We tend to be a trifle more generous with our assessments on the significance of our achievements. In that context, evaluating oneself on success of parenting becomes very interesting. Afternoons presents itself with such ruminations. Like most ruminations, these are largely pointless as most thoughts without actions are.
Every parent probably has asked these questions to themselves at some point of time:
- Are we raising our kids right ?
- Are we inculcating the right moral architecture for them to become better than we are ?
- Are they learning the right things ?
And finally, the biggest and the deadliest one, one capable of scorching the soul - how do we measure against our parents ?
The problem with such qualitative questions are that they are open-ended with no definite answers. I don't know if my daughter would turn out to be a great human being - I am assuming that it is the end objective for every parent. Personally, I would be happy, if she does not turn out to be a complete wreck, is able to fend for herself without much dependence on others. However, if I assume that her worldview and initial ideas are shaped by my (my/I are interchangeably used with me & my wife as us) perspectives, then how do I expect a better moral compass to be established in her mind ? In effect, she is fighting insurmountable odds since the day she was born.
Leaving aside her tryst with potential greatness or the complete lack of it, lets come to the question of measuring ourselves with the only experience we have had in our lives. Our own parents. Most of us would have hated our parents in our younger brighter days. Days, we fondly recall as transformative, days where our parents seemingly had no clue of what we were up to, days where they could never comprehend our behaviors and our disposition to life. Either of unbridled exuberance or unrealistic fatalism. Some of us were out to change the world ! (You see - we were supposedly the creme de la creme of the most intellectual state in India. We were to lead our country to salvation. 20 years on, the only thing most of us have managed to salvage is our own finances - but that's another story for another day)
In those days, the common refrain and I was no exception was that our parents have no perspective. Did they understand love ? Did they understand scorn or did they even understand what 'to belong' meant ? In all likelihood, they did not. I can say with some amount of certainty that many did not.
We were of course, hopelessly wrong.
Our peanut sized brain, with an exaggerated sense of self-worth with no perspectives (Most of what we held as truth or beliefs that we thought were unshakable - I am sure, we have had to revisit or revise) could not, for most parts even understand that the narrative across generations remain so obvious, so remarkably similar (not same). In short, we judged them and they probably did pass, but without distinction. Then 20 years happened. Life happened. Dare I say, we grew up. Unfailingly so, some aspect of humility dawned on us. Some of us became parents. And then the fun began. It was payback time. For the generation we wrote off. They knew better not to judge. They knew better all along. They just smiled. And we had the shock of our lives.
To say we had no clue on handling a wailing organism who cared shit about your perspectives would be a monumental understatement. I had always thought that I was fairly good at handling kids (I actually was!), would be an excellent father, imparting the right tips on the side at the right time, self-assured in handling all sorts of questions that may come my way. In the last 7 years, pretty much all of those hypothesis have been disproved. With vengeance. The first couple of years were, well - educative. And then things started coming back. My earliest memory was when I was 5. So in that sense, there was no compartitive before that.
In a way, its easier dealing with less than 5 year olds. You can be dictatorial, cajoling, indulgent, manipulative (that works both ways) without much residual damage. However, something happens around that 5 year zone. Suddenly, what we have to contend with is a human being. And all that comes with being one. Its difficult to objectively evaluate your child (incredibly difficult for a father to do so about his daughter - something about those large eyes chips at you always!). Her grandparents think she is the incarnation of all that is good with the world, her teachers may think something worthwhile but such is the state of teachers nowadays that every shortcoming is rationalized, every small but obvious attributes are glorified and her parents do not know chalk vs cheese. In all this mess, the only pointer becomes, a comparative with how we were and what positions our parents took at this juncture.
This is where it gets personal. For each of our childhood have played out differently. Having said that, there is one aspect of parenting which we seem to falter on versus our parents. That is the art of saying "No". We think we do that enough. And we do. Yet, what do we do it on ? We say "No" to more more screen time, "No" to fancy games perhaps, "No" to expensive dresses perhaps ? Our "No" is more an attempt to stem the tide. Its not a point of principle. We do not take a position that 5000 toys are not needed. Or that screen time is not advisable. Or use of public transport is a great way to commute.
In short, we tend to give way to all of these bit by bit. And then we justify to ourselves that this is the best we could.
- How could we limit screen time when all her friends have excessive exposure ? Would she not then be left out of her peer group ?
- Public transport is not convenient and she will learn to deal with it when she grows up and becomes independent. How will she if we don't show the way ?
- One toy too many - What can we do ? These are gifts. Which we propagate, perpetuate.
So, on one hand, we try to teach them the value of things, little realizing that value is best understood in scarcity (my socialist friends are laughing!). I was told "No" for many of these things in my childhood - some due to financial reasons, some purely on account of principle.
Today I respect that immensely. Because I realize today, that the hardest thing to do is to say "No" every time to your children. It breaks your heart to see them disappointed. Specially when affordability is not a question. To deprive your children because you feel that it is not appropriate for them to have something and to explain that in palatable terms to your child, is at complete odds with your natural instinct. In our generation, we have allowed this instinct to prevail over us, much more than required. So while we may do many things better than our parents, this one crucial element in parenting - to teach the value of not having something is the greatest casualty of our generation of parenting.
