The problem with this post as I envisage it is how to put it in a way which would capture exactly how I feel. And in some cases I have been told that my posts send out a strong repulsively negative vibe. So much so, that the image that I portray is one of a frustrated, hopeless, insipid chap without strings attached and with nothing to look forward to. Nothing could be further from the truth. And am pretty sure my saying so would not convince anyone who chooses to think otherwise. And in such cases I do what I have done for most of my life till date. Stand up and try at all cost not to let them get to me. In short - fight.
Which brings me to this post.
Perception is not the only thing I have fought against. It is just one of the many. And sometimes I wonder whether it is all worth it. Whether 25 years from now, I would look upon this fight as one I could have done without. Whether what seems to be outlandishly ridiculous would make perfect sense then. Whether I will turn out to be like all 50 year olds who refuse to accept that what they thought when they were young was totally in tune then and out of tune now. Whether my rigidity now is the indication of my reluctance to evolve.
Hopefully not.
The other thing I had to fight and I still am are the friendly curses of my friends. These should not classified as curses, most of them were said jokingly, without intention while some with purpose and a lot of heart. To all of them, my best regards and my very best wishes. Nothing is more precious than something which comes out of the heart. Some of them were said a long time back yet I distinctly remember all of them and what struck me then was that all of these had a potential to come true. So, here goes the list:
"You will have a life, a good one but without love" - when I believed truly that a life spent without love is a life wasted.
"You will get things in life but not those what you want" - when I spelled out the kind of woman I would like to be with.
"Its unfortunate but true - you will always remain a mediocre" - when I could not make it through an exam which others had.
"Who in the whole world would buy a product like you?" - when I compared the arranged marriage matrimonial process as a market and the prospective brides and grooms as products.
"You will never be happy in life" - someone who thought that she loved me and am pretty sure did not and when I asked her whether she really wanted this to happen replied in the negative, albeit a bit unconvincingly.
There have been wishes as well on the other side of the spectrum. But as it goes, good wishes have only one place to go. Its the easiest thing to be blown away by the wind. And so went the wind, dutifully cleaning those up and leaving the remnants listed above in all their simplicity and brilliance.
Meanwhile, I continue to fight. Against my friends, for my friends, to prove to myself and to them that they were right. That finally in the strangest paradox that by screwing up my life I would actually be living for them. Since, I have always won as an underdog, would it not be great to lick them up over and out? That is the only reason why there is a tomorrow. If tomorrow comes.
8 comments:
Add one more to the list: "You shall always write posts which I don't understand, but will still comment on."
SRK:
That is my yardstick for knowing whether what I have written is good or hopeless. I was a bit skeptical before you commented but now you have put all my fears to rest !
i think it was really good, i mean the post. and your articles don't sound repulsively negative, rather they are very real.
Haimanti:
Thank you!
"Look up.. Those who are brave always look up" - thus said Subhash..
Courage is the only weapon to be banked against a fluctuation called life.. :)
Somewhere, sometime you could meet with yourself..And as someone said - "every person has to carry his/her own cross"..
you seem to be overworked buddy...a stream of consciousness from an overworked one will always get a ready stream of congenial comments from under-worked ones :) ...its nods you are working against...against all nods...
Stam:
Courage - a tough virtue to have and tougher to live by.
Nithin:
Yeah, right.
Too good to respond, especially the first 2 paragraphs. Vinod Mehta, editor Outlook, once wrote that he hates all ideologies. So do I - standing for no ideology but freedom and individuality. But isnt that itself an ideology, however pristine. And I do hope 25 years from now, I dont have to rethink over my ideology like the communists today.
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